in ten days...

i will be in bloomington with the lovers.

this weekend has been completely messed up. and im pretty much glad its over.

sometimes i find myself forgetting about this journal. i check other people's every day waiting for my friends to update, yet i just dont...not that im saying people check mine everyday, but yeah.

yesterday lindsey left. she was here on her spring break and stayed from wednesday till saturday morning. know how you get hungry and then have a snack but it just makes your stomach growl more? thats how lindseys visit was - fantastic, but just made me even more anxious for little 5 to be here so i can see the lovers. im so glad its less than a week away!

while lindsey was here she got to meet some of my friends, we did a whoooole lotta shopping, went out to fantastic bars, drank a lot, laughed a lot, took a lot of pictures of ourselves, enjoyed a classy fish fry at the fenton american legion, saw blades of glory, ate a lotta tasty food, enjoyed mojitos (even though when im sober i think they taste like trees) and sent a ridiculous video that made absolutely no sense to about a dozen people. it was fantastic.

my whole shopping goal for last week with lindsey was to find capris and then to find a new perfume. i halfway accomplished the first part - i found some black capris...but not really the rest. today i went to crestwood and found jean capris and new perfume. mission accomplished. anyway. the point in me telling you that was so i could tell you about my new perfume. its pretty much amazing. its from victorias secret and is one of the 'mood' scents...called succulent. and it has an 'atomizer bulb' with it...which is one of those fancy looking squishy ball that you squeeze instead of a pump for the perfume to come out. diiid that make any sense? look it up. its classy. and fantastic. either way, it makes me feel fancy. ha.

i have a bump on my tongue. musta told a lie.

its just about two degrees in my basement. brr. and im watching remember the titans. i didnt remember ryan gosling was in it. he should be my booooyfriend. i pretty much love him. and the soundtrack to this movie.

and hey- can someone explain guys to me sometime? i think maybe im completely clueless.

this is all. gnight.

so right now i have some friends who got engaged, others who may divorce, another who is settling, one who is gonna have a baby....all at once. everything happened all at once. and its so bizzare. im still here. with none of the above. and im okay with that.

i have been in the strangest mood the past couple of days.

i feel so...anxious. about nothing. i dont feel like i want to be around anyone, yet im really lonely. like, itd be okay if i was around someone where it didnt take any effort. someone who i could just lay my head on their shoulder and just sit with. just be with. but theres not really anyone like that here...so instead i count on alone time. i think im just in a funk.

a lot of it has to do with work. it seems so pointless to me. why did i go to school? why dont i get positions anywhere else? i feel stuck. and i know for a lot of people work is never something they like, but really...this goes beyond that. i feel like what was the point in me going to school if it isnt doing jack shit for me now? its so frustrating.

things could always be worse. i should be thankful for what i have...its just hard to be when youre in a pissy mood. gotta work on that.

talked to lindsey today. i cant wait till she comes and visits at the end of march - that definitely gives me something to look forward to. what would it be like if all the lovers lived close to one another? would it make everything else seem less sucky?

Date:	2007-02-20 23:07
Subject:	and this and this and this and that.
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	"show me" - john legend

so i have thousands of songs on my computer bc i like one song by someone and then i download a ton of songs by that person/band so i can hear more...but i tend to not really listen to the ones i dont know right away.

well this past weekend i got an ipod. (i know. im finally up to date. i guess.) anyway im now obsessed. and i have far too much free time. so ive been listening to some of these artists that ive actually had in my reach for a long time. and i cant stop.

i go through so many phases with my music tastes. i was in a classic rock phase hardcore before, and i was starting to think that i was brought up in the completely wrong music decade...but then i took a listen back through some other artists, as i said before. and now im into a smooth r&b/hip hop/sounds like old 60s r&b/samples from classic r&b stuff.

anyway. songs i cant stop listening to...that i need a boy to come slow dance with me for...bc theyd be perfect for it...k maybe not slow dancing...slow groove? either way:
"love rain" - jill scott and mos def
"say shh" - atmosphere
"slow dance" - john legend
"the way" - jill scott
"you got me" - the roots feat erikah badu
"8 minutes to sunrise" - common and jill scott
"lead me on" - clapton
"like a star" - corrine bailey rae
"show me" - john legend

oh goodness. they make me happy.

any other fantastic suggestions along these lines that i can escape into?

im sick of waiting for people.
im sick of getting ready and then nothing happening.
im sick of work.
im sick of being alone.
im sick of feeling pissed off.
im sick of having to make decisions.
i feel like im trapped and i dont know how i got here.

its been a good day, but a full one.

today:
- i picked up my rental car so my car can get a new bumper from when that old lady rear ended me
-i went shopping by myself, which was quite enjoyable.
-i got a new shirt, necklace and reeeally cute jacket from h & m. im far too excited to be able to wear it.
-hit up claires bc they were having their 10 items for 10 dollars thinga. got a shit ton of cute new jewelry.
-found amazing black pants that make my ass look good
- realized ive lost about 7 lbs since i started at dillards. which is alright by me.
- mom started school tonight. shes doing university of phoenix online and is freaking out. i helped her edit her very first college paper.
-found out shannon has been in the hospital since saturday and no one decided to let me know really. my mom told me today when she found out. turns out she has pnemonia and something about a partially collapsed lung? not so good.
-i think that may be it...but my list doesnt seem long enough....so ill just put this as part of it.
-hope your day is fantastic and that you give yourself a hug for me.
-au revoir.

i dont like feeling ignored.

things really creep me out when they come full circle.

how does it always happen?

thought maybe id do an entry in here since its christmas and all to wish everyone a fantastic christmas...hope everyone gets lots of presents!

today im just trying to enjoy my day off and rest. i already slept in, but contemplating taking a nap. it just feels right.

the family is upstairs watching football (boooooring), so maybe its a perfect time for a nap.

i know i know, i havent updated this thing in forever and this is a total fluff entry. whats new? everything. want a list of a few things? aight. here ya go..the most random list ever:
-living in stl...for good pretty much i think
-working tons
-saving money
-brittney had a new baby....call me aunt miranda. hes beeeautiful. his name is landon.
-wishing i had a job with better hours
-but i do have my own business card (ha. faaancy)
-missing my lovers
-wishing i had more time to meet new people/ hang out with my lovely handful of friends i have here
-going downtown for new years...staying at the millenium (which always reminds me of when we met the backstreet boys there yeeears ago. man. im so cool.) and going out on the landing. you should join us
-got all new bedroom furniture and bedding which is too cute
-debating on for next friday whether i should a) go to evansville to see grandma texas b) go to karaoke with lisa and the group c) go see the elms at blueberry hill....c) sounds the best to me. but i have no one to go with me. wanna go? its only 5 bucks.
-rereading this list and realizing its ridiculous, random, and theres not really a point to any of it.

so ill stop.

off to nap.

Date:	2006-10-05 23:03
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	silly
Music:	body movin'

you know how i love listing...

- i have soo much energy right now its absolutely ridiculous. and no one to take it out on. sad for the boys...i mean, what?
- made a cd mix today of all songs that put me in a good mood. you know you want a copy. im listening to it right now. in love.
- tomorrow im going to evansville and hitting up the fall festival with my dad, lisa, brittney, lindsey, scott and brian. its lisas birthday (my stepmom not bestie) so itll be a way of celebration. i look forward to eating my way up and down the street
- our maintenence at these apartments are awesome here...my dryer broke (boo) but they were here to look at it literally 5 minutes after i called. new washer and dryer next week looks like (yes. have to replace both. theyre stackable kind)
- found some salt n pepa for myspace song. you know how we do.
- on the lines of music - im considering getting a 2 live crew song for my ringtone. too far?
- what is it with boys placing far more importance on themselves than necessary? really sometimes we dont want to marry you and have your babies - sometimes we just want to have fun. is that wrong?
- still no new job. really discouraging. i love how in college they make it seem like with a college degree you can do whatever you want - yeah. once you get a masters or somehow pull experience out of your ass. i didnt even get a call back from a temp agency. what the hell is that about?
- im wearing huge thick gold hoops. and they are ghettofabulous. and i love them.
- i wish i had more company.

so can i just tell you how fantastic last night was? k i will.

last night me and miss lindsey gifford went to jakes to see will hoge. thought it was gonna be 3 dollars - which is damn cheap to begin with...we get there and its LADIES NIGHT and we get in for free. even get offered a rose. fancy. but really where am i gonna put that shit. so i declined.

10 cent drafts. option between miller light and bud light. usually its just shitty miller. so bonus point there too.

got to see will hoge. always so much fun. after the show didnt play an encore. seriously it was like me and this other guy even clapping for an encore. who are these people?! i dont get it. lame.

see will go towards the front and of course i follow like the stalker that i am. i wont give you every detail of our process of becoming best friends, youll have to talk to me for that. its probably only that interesting to me either way. i was pretty wasted and im sure i sounded like a complete genius in the conversation, but either way i got to bug him for a few minutes and get a picture. he's kind of a weird guy isnt he? eh. iii still love him.

so yeah. kind of a shit update, but thought id share. free to get in. cheap drinks. will hoge. what more could i really want?

Date:	2006-09-26 17:17
Subject:	jumbled thoughts...
Security:	Public
Mood:	energetic
Music:	i dont trust myself with loving you - mayer

i recently re-tried on a pair of jeans that i couldnt fit into for several months - and now they fit again! woop! buuuut what i want to know is why is it when i start to lose weight i lose it in my boobs first? anyone else have this problem? there are so many other places where it'd be a lot more beneficial to lose in - dont take the boobs! there's not much there to begin with!

last night lindsey came over and we made a funfetti cake...and along with it made homemade buttercream frosting (one of the best things on earth frankly) - but now i have pretty much a whole cake in my kitchen. someone come over and eat it! its staring at me - i swear

can i tell you i'm 22 years old and have never gone to get my own oil changed in my car? ron's always done it for me. I'm so spoiled. this week i get to be a real live grown up and get it done myself. i'm ridiculous.

i miss kissing touching hugging cuddling....something awful

turns out i flirt now with people i dont mean to be flirting with. basically, i just talk to anyone. talking = flirting? i really just thought i didnt know how to flirt. today i went to o'charleys with cori and i was explaining my thoughts on the rolls to our server (dont ask. yes. its as dumb as it sounds) basically bc i could...and after he left the table cori was like 'stop flirting'...so i can flirt? awesome. now lets try it out on a willing attractive young man, shall we?

i have an interview on thursday in indianapolis. wish me luck. just temporary position which will be fine so i can find something amazing

last random thought...in the words of my dear bestie lisa - 'il est bete'....i concur.

i know i know i know

the last entry was a little much...

hey. i was fired up and on a roll...what can i say.

Date:	2006-09-24 23:38
Subject:	a listing mood.
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored
Music:	witchy woman

alright. ill just do this in list form. its so much easier.

- i quit my job today. i couldnt see where it was worth it to put myself through that kind of frustration for something i dont know for sure that i want to do. im not disappointed in myself at all because i went into it not knowing what i wanted from it. i tried it for awhile. didnt fit. now im looking for another job. cross your fingers for me.

- my sales manager has like 10 of my cds i let him borrow. that could be awkward to get back. its like a break up - getting back belongings.

-men are vaginas. this is what we decided tonight in our weekly gossip/bitch (we being me and cori). cori has dealt with some gems and ive met a few myself...lately guys you need to grow a pair. it doesnt look good when youve lost your penises. penii. whatever the plural of that word is.

-another discovery in our conversation this evening is that girls and guys are doomed when it comes to fights for the simple fact that most girls i know need to at least know within a day that whatever happened is only a fight and that the guy doesnt hate them while guys want space for at least several days. so girls seem like needy crazy bitches and guys seem like aloof assholes when girls get pissed when a guy hasnt called them and guys get pissed bc they need room. communication. lets try it.

- not working with combined anymore means no michigan this week

-no michigan this week means thursday night i can go see will hoge. who will be here in bloomington for 3 dollars. and its 10 cent draft night. that could be a dangerous combination. im so excited. want to join me?

-lisa should not be allowed to take video of us being completely lame and show other people. trust me, its only that funny to us. and by that funny i mean hilarious - not saying that i dont love it and want to watch it over and over again...just there are quite a few things only we find funny. and i think these videos are some of them. that trip to columbia where the video was taken, however, was absolutely fantastic. how i miss that girl.

-also missing the lovers something awful. come see me. unless of course you are overseas or about to be overseas. in that case i still want you to visit but i know its highly unlikely - instead make out with a hot foreigner for me. rita - french kissing in france? oh, le sigh.

alright. thats the full list as of now. i know there was more i was going to put, but sometimes i forget. eh. whatcha gonna do.

i dont really have one main story to tell, just little bits and pieces of my life. its all too exciting i tell ya.

tomorrow im going to niles michigan...sounds fantastic right? its just north of south bend indiana...we're going there for an ardmore. supposedly matt is making sure someone walks me to my room each night. thats how good of a hotel we're staying at. makes me feel all safe. i am really dreading going though...basically everything about the job at this point. im just not happy with it. actually very very unhappy. im going to give it a little more time, but im just not sure its worth as much to me now as it was if im this miserable.

in happier news- mom and aunt jo came last night. i now have aunt jo's kitchen table. its absolutely fantastic. its an actual retro table from...we're not sure but id guess the 50s. its yellow. yes. yellow. formica with the yellow vinyl chairs. its amazing. you should come see it.

mom and aunt jo had to leave this morning, however, to go to evansville. they are taking my old table and chairs to dorothy, so it was like a little table swap. works for me. i wanted to go to evansville, but with me driving 3 1/2 or 4 hours (however long it takes to get to niles michigan) i didnt want to tack on another 2 1/2 hours coming back from evansville tomorrow. its alright though, next weekend ill be going to evansville for brittneys baby shower, so ill get to see some people then.

in other news, well not really news, but sidenote i guess, i have a plant. my first apartment plant. my mom said i should get a pet...lets see if this plant survives first. one thing at a time.

i have no idea why im up so early. i got up at 9 by choice. what? thats just crazy talk. and now im bored. surprise. my house is clean, i have no errands to run, and no roommates to bug. what the hell do you do then?

im not so good at this living alone thing.

i was thisclose to quitting my job today.

being a grown up isnt really that fun, turns out. can i just go back to being in college?

so ive been on my own one day so far...and half of today i guess. i havent sold shit alone. very frustrating, but tomorrow we're in a new town so hopefully itll change. the past week ive been selling in morgantown which is about 10 miles east of martinsville or 12 miles north of nashville (indiana, not tennessee for those non btowners here)...everyone was really nice, just not nice enough to buy. ooooh well.

i missed out on thursday and friday of last week bc i had to go to michigan with mom and ron bc rons mom passed away. i hadnt been to michigan since...oh...5th grade? so that was interesting. his family wears you out i tell ya. they all have to one up each other. and a few of them are just really unfriendly to me and my mom, but the majority of rons family were really nice and it was good to see them. i think the hardest part was seeing ron upset - thats something you hardly see from ron.

last night was the mayer/crow show in stl. i had bought tickets for it before i got the job and moved back to bloomington....they were 5th row. i couldnt go because if i went id have to drive back and wouldnt end up getting home until 5 am or so...and then turn around and have to get up at 7 for work. so i had to give them away. i was so majorly bummed. it kinda actually made my heart hurt to know i couldnt use them (especially since i paid an arm and a leg for them)...but i ended up giving them to my bestie lisa and she took her brother. so thats cute. and she called me and let me listen to like 4 songs, and took pictures and video with her camera, so that made it kinda better.

i did get tickets for the ben folds concert here at the iu auditorium for november. i bought two. dont know who im taking yet...maybe its you. lemme know if youre interested. i think theyre about 14 rows back, which pretty much anywhere is good in the auditorium so thatll be good...

now im hanging out getting ready to watch a movie or something...never been kissed perhaps?...and then go to bed early bc i can

tomorrow the new JT and Mayer albums come out. guess who will be at walmart before work...

this girl right here.

Date:	2006-08-31 12:51
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. >>Most men
don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of >>falling and getting
hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the >>ground that aren't as good,
but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, >>they're
amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, >>the one who is
brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to >>women to
stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something >>acceptable to have dinner
with.